Okay this isn't a picture of me lol but I did have a go at archery
on sat! We had great tuition and I really enjoyed it! I've wanted
to have a go since I was little! I used to pretend to be a red
Indian because I thought it was unfair that the cowboys won
all the time! An example of the rebellious streak I have
perhaps? In fact at times it's been a HUGE streak!
Since then, I've found that my sur name was part of a title and
county that a group of longbow archers came from. This was
during King Richard the Lionheart's reign and they were in a
few battles. I don't know If I am descended from the archers
or not but it's a possibility.
Continuing on about ancestry, over the weekend a friend
referred to herself as Irish and got excited about seeing a
Celtic cross. She has Irish family although she was born
here! With me, I have a mixture of nations in my blood. I
am half white English, half black Guyanese (South
American) and a little bit Spanish. Of course, if you go
back far enough, a lot of people also have mixed
backgrounds! Of course, mine is more apparent.
I don't really feel like I belong to a particular historical
culture or have that sense of a fixed heritage. I feel like
perhaps it's a bit of a tragedy. I love history, different
languages, and cultures! There are some that I feel a
slight connection with e.g. like with those archers.
But ultimately I'm not sure I would be accepted into any
culture completely. Someone said I wasn't English (English
being the heritage) because I have tanned (like Mexican skin)
and a mixture of features. Therefore meaning that I'm not
completely English. Some people have called me black
because I am not as white as they are, or others have
forgotten that I am not Turkish like them. Or white people
will complain about black people to me as if half my family
wern't. On the spot they forget! I fit in everywhere yet not
anywhere fully!
Other than that, I have never been to Guyana, I cannot cook
the food, I don't have the accent or speak any of that slang.
All family moved from there too. The Spanishness in my
family is too far back for me to have picked up on any of the
traditions. I feel more English than anything because that's
the culture that has surrounded me and I've grown up with it!
Plus there is shame in the fact that I am partly descended
from slaves (though my black side of the fam). Not exactly
something to look up to or be proud of. Something that I
really dislike about my heritage. I used to hate it because I
viewed those ancestors as weak. For me an ultimate horror
when I admire strength! Perhaps I feel I have no heritage to be
proud of and any that I could be proud of, I will never be able
to fully claim. At least, not in the eyes of others. Maybe I'm
being paranoid? I just don't know.
I just feel that I am a 20th-21st century English girl. I was
born in this era and in the present culture of this country.
To sum up the mixture historical cultures I have:
1/. I am descended from people that helped the slave trade
2/. I am descended from slaves
3/. Descended from the Spanish
5/. Possibly descended from Medieval archers
4/. Goodness knows what else! From England alone, the
amount of times it was invaded, I could have any or all of
these: Celtic, Roman, Anglo-Saxon, Viking or Norman
blood.
Sure Christianity gives a sense of belonging and family but
in a literal sense, I have no strait cut history. Perhaps my
biggest concern is that I will not be fully accepted by any
culture even when I admire so many.
In a world where people tend to look back and say "I am
Welsh and my heritage is celtic" or whatever, I guess I feel
left out! So many people say things like that.
My mum says that me and my bros are people of the future
because people are becoming more and more mixed.
People have said that mixed race people are often very good
looking because of the mix. But in all of this, people are
always looking for some kind of heritage to belong to. Even
in Christianity, the different styles e.g. Catholic, Anglican,
Greek Orthadox etc etc are styles developed by time and
culture. Me? I belong to a non-denominational church fueled
by a recent revival. No traditions, no connections to specific
culture.
And so I go on being Ecclectic in my styles. I dip into reading
about different cultures and always feeling that I may never
belong to any because I belong to most!
Maybe God can reconcille these issues within me. Until now,
I have told no one about this. I've known these things and
the thoughts have been there for a long time. However, I
never wanted to think about it. I usually think I'm being silly.
I usually just push it to the backof my mind. Maybe I should
pray about it? In all this time I don't think I've ever really
talked to Jesus about it.
Another update: I may do a foundation course in Humanities
with the Open University (equivalent to 2 A-levels). Along
side working at the Estate Agents (hopefully). After that
I would do a degree somewhere.
