Sanctus Est

“Reading about nature is fine, but if a person walks in the woods and listens carefully, he can learn more than what is in books, for they speak with the voice of God.” - G.W. Carver

Saturday, November 26, 2005


Jesus Jesus Jesus...

Well I still haven't heard from the British Museum yet.
I know they only just stopped recieving application
forms on Thurs but I've been thinking, "what if I don't
get the job?" I know that God's in control but at the
mo I really don't feel like I've got "everything
together". You know, you see other people and you think,
"wow that's sooo cool!" Perhaps the key phrase as always
with me is "don't compare yourself to others". Something
I find myself easily slipping into but at least I'm
aware of it. My brother has an interview with Cambridge
uni, both my bros are back to playing instruments. I am
sooo different right now. I'm okay with it coz I find
comfort in music. Usually rock, hard rock, Christian
gothic. It actually makes me feel better just thinking
about it. I feel like I can identify with the singers
and feel like we have a joint understanding that life
isn't all great. Life has it's downs, challenges,
trials and suffering but we are fighters and we go on.
Some of us try to find Jesus when things are unstable,
hard. We are honest about feeling hurt, lost or upset.
Even times when I feel that my own life isn't so bad,
you can see and hear stories of horrific things that go
on in the world. People everywhere suffer which is a
natural part of life. You cannot escape it, bury your
head in the sand for long. You have to recognize it,
confront it. I believe that it is all for a higher
puropse and will lead to good things. I know that
in my life so far, good things have come from the

Monday, November 21, 2005


Well a good thing is that I'm applying for a job at the British
Museum. I'm applying for the position of Museum Assistant
in the department of pre history and Europe. Hope I get it!

However there is something else that is overshadowing

Yes there is yet more illness!!!!!!! A friend of mine is in
intensive care on a drip. She has toxic blood poisioning I
think but they're not sure at the mo. What's worse is that
she's in North Carolina miles away from here. One good
thing is that her family are with her and the church they
are holding a conference at is supporting them.

It was very sudden. Only two weeks ago I was sitting next
to her in church laughing and chatting. If she doesnt get
better, if she dies out there, I pray that I find some way of
sending a message before hand. A way to say goodbye. If
she lives I hope I can send a message or something all
the same, to give her some comfort.

It upsets me to think about how she must be suffering.
Especially when I know how my grandad did and every
other person that died this year.

All I can do is pray and today I HAD to spend time with God.
I kept thinking that she'll die. I think with the year I've had,
death has become the expectation. This eve I found myself
talking automaticly as if she is already dead or is certainly
going to die. It's like I'm preparing myself for when it
happends. I've been a bit tearful this eve when I've been
thinking about her.

Only God knows what will happen.

List of the dead this year in order:

One of my mum's friends
A friend of a friend
My grandad (mum's dad)
An elder from my church

Jessie's suddenly become ill and my other grandad's getting
worse. He needs another blood transfusion and is generally
feeling worse.

Amongst this news I know that life must go on and I have a
lot to and this week! I need to focus on my life moving

If Jessie lives I will give her a huge hug on her return.
If she dies I will dedicate a post to her and will be sorry to
see her go. I will probably grieve for a while but then look
forward to when I can see her again.

In the mean time, whilst she is ill and whatever happends,
I need to live and keep sight of making my dreams a
reality. Starting with applying for this job amongst other
things. I also praise God for the friends I have and the new
ones I've been making. I'll keep praying for Jessie.

Thursday, November 17, 2005


Well I know my previous post was a huge evening rant!
I have been praying about things.

Recently I've been reading a book I ordered about
Celtic Christian spirituality. It's a good one at
that! The results have been really good!

The more I've been reading it, the more I realize how
much I am naturally celtic inclined! I didn't even realize
how much before that. Well anyway that's all good.

I've just written a poem:


I see thee Boudicca riding across the land,
I see thee strong and determined,
Gritting teeth in defence of where you stand.

I see thee hugging thy daughters,
I see thee hugging your man,
Filled with love and loyalty for your clan.

I see thy blue cloak,
I see thy precious metals adorned,
Clothed in colours and bands.

I see thy hair flaming,
I see thy person standing in the hills of Britain,
Seeing and dreaming.

Under a banner of stars,
I see thee sleeping.

Monday, November 14, 2005


Okay this isn't a picture of me lol but I did have a go at archery
on sat! We had great tuition and I really enjoyed it! I've wanted
to have a go since I was little! I used to pretend to be a red
Indian because I thought it was unfair that the cowboys won
all the time! An example of the rebellious streak I have
perhaps? In fact at times it's been a HUGE streak!

Since then, I've found that my sur name was part of a title and
county that a group of longbow archers came from. This was
during King Richard the Lionheart's reign and they were in a
few battles. I don't know If I am descended from the archers
or not but it's a possibility.

Continuing on about ancestry, over the weekend a friend
referred to herself as Irish and got excited about seeing a
Celtic cross. She has Irish family although she was born
here! With me, I have a mixture of nations in my blood. I
am half white English, half black Guyanese (South
American) and a little bit Spanish. Of course, if you go
back far enough, a lot of people also have mixed
backgrounds! Of course, mine is more apparent.

I don't really feel like I belong to a particular historical
culture or have that sense of a fixed heritage. I feel like
perhaps it's a bit of a tragedy. I love history, different
languages, and cultures! There are some that I feel a
slight connection with e.g. like with those archers.
But ultimately I'm not sure I would be accepted into any
culture completely. Someone said I wasn't English (English
being the heritage) because I have tanned (like Mexican skin)
and a mixture of features. Therefore meaning that I'm not
completely English. Some people have called me black
because I am not as white as they are, or others have
forgotten that I am not Turkish like them. Or white people
will complain about black people to me as if half my family
wern't. On the spot they forget! I fit in everywhere yet not
anywhere fully!

Other than that, I have never been to Guyana, I cannot cook
the food, I don't have the accent or speak any of that slang.
All family moved from there too. The Spanishness in my
family is too far back for me to have picked up on any of the
traditions. I feel more English than anything because that's
the culture that has surrounded me and I've grown up with it!
Plus there is shame in the fact that I am partly descended
from slaves (though my black side of the fam). Not exactly
something to look up to or be proud of. Something that I
really dislike about my heritage. I used to hate it because I
viewed those ancestors as weak. For me an ultimate horror
when I admire strength! Perhaps I feel I have no heritage to be
proud of and any that I could be proud of, I will never be able
to fully claim. At least, not in the eyes of others. Maybe I'm
being paranoid? I just don't know.

I just feel that I am a 20th-21st century English girl. I was
born in this era and in the present culture of this country.
To sum up the mixture historical cultures I have:
1/. I am descended from people that helped the slave trade
2/. I am descended from slaves
3/. Descended from the Spanish
5/. Possibly descended from Medieval archers
4/. Goodness knows what else! From England alone, the
amount of times it was invaded, I could have any or all of
these: Celtic, Roman, Anglo-Saxon, Viking or Norman

Sure Christianity gives a sense of belonging and family but
in a literal sense, I have no strait cut history. Perhaps my
biggest concern is that I will not be fully accepted by any
culture even when I admire so many.

In a world where people tend to look back and say "I am
Welsh and my heritage is celtic" or whatever, I guess I feel
left out! So many people say things like that.

My mum says that me and my bros are people of the future
because people are becoming more and more mixed.
People have said that mixed race people are often very good
looking because of the mix. But in all of this, people are
always looking for some kind of heritage to belong to. Even
in Christianity, the different styles e.g. Catholic, Anglican,
Greek Orthadox etc etc are styles developed by time and
culture. Me? I belong to a non-denominational church fueled
by a recent revival. No traditions, no connections to specific

And so I go on being Ecclectic in my styles. I dip into reading
about different cultures and always feeling that I may never
belong to any because I belong to most!

Maybe God can reconcille these issues within me. Until now,
I have told no one about this. I've known these things and
the thoughts have been there for a long time. However, I
never wanted to think about it. I usually think I'm being silly.
I usually just push it to the backof my mind. Maybe I should
pray about it? In all this time I don't think I've ever really
talked to Jesus about it.

Another update: I may do a foundation course in Humanities
with the Open University (equivalent to 2 A-levels). Along
side working at the Estate Agents (hopefully). After that
I would do a degree somewhere.

Thursday, November 10, 2005


What to say, oh what to say.

Clatterings and calls,
Phoning in endlessly.
Chattering and clomping.

Cars drive past and people pop in,
People pop pop popping,
Oh what a din!

Bags under eyes, groans and sighs.
Typing, reading and procrastinating.
Thinking of my future,
Thinking whirls within
And wishing that I was not here.

Well that sums up my day at work pretty much!!!

Saturday, November 05, 2005


Well what can I say?

I'm here at work he he!
Okay here goes an update:

- I finally got an appointment with the job
centre this week! I got my job seeker's allowance!
-On the same day (Wens) my boss offered me
a full time job! It's at the place I've been working
at part time for about a year or so! Woo!
I've been praying about whether to take it or not
and so far I've only come up with pros so I most
likely will! She just needs to get back to me
about pay! Long hrs is the only possible downside.

Still, I'll keep an eye open for what else is out

(You know, I think I'm giving myself a headache
with all the exclamation marks in this post lol).